Category Archives: Film

Throwback Thursday: Does anybody remember The Covenant?

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My friend, Janine started a podcast on 90s and noughties boy band culture and how it contributed to our lives as young lasses. Her first podcast was this week, go check it out – she sings there and you’ll probably agree with most of the stuff she says, like how bizarro song lyrics were or how she thought Zac and Tyler were actually girls for the longest time. Side note: My life would have taken an interesting turn at a very young age if Zac Hanson was actually a chick – because I heart him forever no matter what. So in the spirit of the original fangirl makers and heartthrobs who brought on our musical and later sexual awakening, we’re remembering the movie The Covenant today.

In the year 2006, I was a teen and watched a lot of teen rubbish like High School Musical and other awesome stuff like the Harry Potter series. These were all cute, amazing things that girls my age watched, about boys and girls our age, and we loved them. It was cool. Then one day, this movie with teen boys with nice hair and abs and cars happened. Or as one Tumblr user puts it “Sebastian Stan, Taylor Kitsch and Chace Crawford as 2000′s homoerotic, bad boy, swimmer warlocks”. As a fan of The Craft – which is kinda like The Covenant but with girls?(Not really) I lost my shit when I saw this film.

Where do I begin? Well, apart from the three counted above, who we later get to know as Bucky from Captain America (Chase), Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights (Pogue) and Nate from Gossip Girl (Tyler), there’s Reid, who is the bigger bad boy of the group of friends and the proud owner of the famous line “Harry Potter can kiss my ass!”

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And then there’s Mr Original Dark and Mysterious, Caleb who was played by STEVEN STRAIT – Edward Cullen who? No seriously, how did that guy make us think he was the good kind of dark and mysterious? He was creepy. Anyway, what ever happened to bloody Steven Strait, you guys? Like, he was literally the hottest of these dudes and now he’s just not around – like Josh Hartnett or Chad Michael Murray or something. Steven Strait was the the 2000’s answer to Jon Snow/Kit Harrington (or is it Kit Harrington is now the answer to Steven Strait?). I’d like to point out at this point (hehe) that these were very cool names and these dudes were collectively known as The Sons of Ipswich. Did any teen girl have a choice faced with so much 2000s swag?

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Sebastian “I’m going to make you my Wee-yotch” Stan was actually the bad guy in this movie – he was ‘not’ a son of Ipswich; he was a cute sassy villain and he owned his part. They all did, which is probably why we still see most of them around. They made this cheesy little flick a personal witch/warlock/supernatural classic of mine and I’m forever greatful for all those six-packs. Thank you.

I thought this was a trailer but it seems somebody managed to summarise the whole movie in under 4 minutes over a cool Breaking Benjamin track (also so 2000s), so you can watch it. For real, watch it. Popular opinion: The Covenant sucks. Tell that to 17 year old Zoe. Or even 26 year old me – I love this movie!

In conclusion (regarding my whole entire life in the blogosphere): 

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I think I have a Type

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I think I may really have a type, well at least as far as movie characters go. I mean, I’ll watch a film, a film of a specific genre, and I’ll be drawn to this certain dude. I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘Yeah well sure, that happens to all women’. You’re not wrong but I think that’s more of a lust thing. I mean, I have characters I totally lust over like way after the movie has ended and I build a little creepy hut for those dudes in my vault where they can share a communal bathroom in one dark part of the house and wait to be summoned for duty one by one. Those are action movie men, emotional romantic drama men, sports movie men, that kinda sweaty macho muscly rubbish – hunks so to say (listen, the 90s said it best). The type that I speak of is different. After the movie I don’t lead them blindfolded and covered in baby oil into my Amazon hut. One word comes to mind, and that word is ‘boyfriend’. I just wanna cuddle them and talk to them and serial watch a TV series in my PJs with them while we binge drink on a Friday night, and go to music festivals and sports games with them.

I’m not sure these guys have a super specific physical attribute, except that they’re all tall I guess, some of ’em have borderline daddy bodies and the rest have regular dude bodies. I can’t word what I’m imagining but you catch my drift right? Wow, the 90s have really taken over my writing today. But in more related news, these guys all have one thing in common; they are all comical and make me smile. And right off the top of my head, these are some of the blokes that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside when I’m watching *insert sub-genre* comedies:

Friends With Kids – Chris O’Dowd. 

Source: Fanpop

Source: Fanpop

I think that face says it all. And he’s the most relatable and laid back character in that movie which makes him really attractive to me.

The Romantics – Adam Brody

Something Borrowed – John Krasinski. 

Source: Imgfave

Source: Imgfave

Quirky best friend? Um, ja! And he’s married to Emily Blunt, irl and that’s the biggest stamp of approval if you ask me. 

No Strings attached – Ashton Kutcher.

I know he’s the lead but so are Jake Gyllenhaal and Justin Timberlake in their casual sexy time movies and I feel zero for them.

Five Year engagement – Chris Pratt

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Source: Imgur

Actually where is Chris Pratt not adorable? Where? Show me! Have you seen how ripped he has become? How can I not appreciate a man who can transform like that? 

That Awkward Moment – Miles Teller

Source: Buzzfeed

Source: Buzzfeed

Miles, oh Miles… You are so chucklesome. Most age appropriate of the bunch and probably most bangable. Marry me, Mr Potato Face. 

Delivery Man – Amos VanderPoel.

I mean he doesn’t even speak in the damn movie! This is a real problem. Also, Chris Pratt again.

I love you, Man – Jason Segal

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Jason Segal in ‘I love you, Man’ was definitely the one to pop my moron-loving cherry and you never forget your first. 

Yup. It’s a weird one but I am into tall goofy/funny/somewhat good looking/but mostly tall & goofy guys with nice hair in movies where they’re tall and goofy.

P.S Where are all the carefree black guys on mainstream media? 😦  Like, where are the brown wacky cuties? (No, it’s a for real question, I don’t know where to find idiotic POC dudes).

P.P.S My real thoughts on the subject? Well, my friend, Nhlanhla Holmes Mthiyane said the other day, “I don’t think you’re gonna end up with any of the bros you’re currently into. I think you’re gonna end up with a dude. A funny, sports loving dude.”

And there’s this quote,
“I believe our celebrity crushes reveal more about us than we would like to admit.”
— COREY WESLEY
And maybe it’s true. For now, my real life crushes are mostly emotionally unavailable remnants of my varsity life with super stable jobs and no senses of humour. It’s sad but I’ve made such a a habit of falling for and fraternising with these types that I’ve convinced myself I’m doomed to a life of being the spouse to Mr Business Trips and will, therefore, have daddy issue kids. But, if that saying is true, and my friend Nhla really believes it is – then I really have an awesome and chill love life to look forward to. Thanks Holmes.

 

Mockingjay happened and I fell back in love with Jennifer Lawrence

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Well, actually I think love is a strong word. I just stopped hating her and I actually appreciated that she’s a beautifully convincing actress once more. My mind blowing experience with Mockingjay was mainly because of the movie’s all round effect on me, the parts that gave me goosebumps were mainly the parts with the actual revolution and not the little personal wars within.

Let me start here, I watched Horrible Bosses just before I went on to watch Mockingjay because, given everything that’s happening in the world right now, I didn’t want to be too grim and angry when I went in. I needed a palate cleanser and Horrible Bosses was a good one. I didn’t go in there expecting anything because, sequels. But then I saw Chris Pine as a rich douche whose dad is Christoph Waltz, who is also a rich douche and I was sold. Maybe it was because it’s a really cool and really funny film (it is) or maybe it was because I hadn’t gone to the movies in months but I was one of those people who LOL in the cinema house. I didn’t feel bad about it, I have a great laugh. Also, Chris Pine’s eyes are surely what the eyes of an angel look like right? Jason Bateman stole my heart as usual – he is comedy gold with that ‘serious/reasonable funnyman’ style of his. When the team get together to handle a super unlikely (at first) horrible boss and meet an even more unlikely (at first) ally – with appearances from previous movie faves like Motherfucker Jones, Dr McSlutty Aniston and the douchiest of them all – Kevin Spacey (dunno the characters name) I left the cinema satisfied and in stitches. Then my life got ruined… (Spoilers, duh.)

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I had about 10 minutes to run and go reload my popcorn and slushie arsenal before the next movie I was to watch, so I had about 5 minutes to adjust my mindset and put it in ‘teenagers in peril’ mode. I was looking forward to seeing how they’d pick up from the abrupt craziness that was Catching Fire’s ending. And although things felt a little bit slow at the beginning (somehow this always happens to me when watching Hunger Games films) it picked up pretty bloody well. Boy, did it pick up! I’ve honestly, throughout the franchise, felt like a citizen of Panem, like I lived in the Districts. In that regard, the movies have definitely made me connect with the general people and struggles of all those people. Nobody knows ruin and picking up the pieces of the past like South Africans. Seeing District 12 and all the other districts actually in complete shambles and the riots… that really just made the films a bit more meaningful to me and truly those Games weren’t just about kids dying – which is so horrible as it is – they were about good ‘ol fashioned oppression. And we finally got to see that clearly. I finally got to feel it clearly and fully.

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Phew. Now that that dark rant is out of the way, let’s talk fave parts of the movie. Did anybody else feel like Gale was loitering about for like the first 45 minutes of the movie. Like all he did was follow Katniss around in silence – he had like five lines that whole time. It was bordering on creepy, like a creepy ex boyfriend you’re forced to hang out with cos you’re in the same friendship circles. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Hemsworth screen presence but as hot as he is (and he’s VERY hot, getting hotter I think even) I felt really awkward for him tbh. For a long time i felt ‘This guy’s role is useless here’, but then they went back to District 12 and it was Gale’s moment. I didn’t expect to see another kissing scene between Gale and Katniss but there it was and it was sweet as usual (who doesn’t wanna see two good looking people tonsil hockey, aimiright?) And it seems Katniss didn’t expect it either. But Gale did. “I knew you’d kiss me… [Katniss: How? I didn’t.] Because I’m in pain – that’s the only way I get your attention. Don’t worry, Katniss, it’ll pass,” he says all croaky voiced and teary-eyed. And then like nothing happened he went on to talk about how he helped save the people of District 12 and all the mayhem and there was strength and sureness and I was like ‘I get it, I get you, Gale. You’re useful’.

And the of course there were many more moments where I cheered and got emotional and everything was so intense and hard to take in – mostly my body reacted to all of it though severe goosebumps and a large lump in my throat (I cried once).

A round-up of my Goosebump moments: 

  • When Katniss and her team (count meeting the team in this as well, especially Maegory from Game of Thrones) visit a dilapidated hospital in District 8 where many are injured and even more are dead. The Capitol attacks (obvi) and Katniss retaliates and we get to see the return of the beloved bow and arrow! 🙂

“If we burn, you burn with us!” OMFG.

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  • When Katniss and Gale kiss and he frees himself from the chains of indifference that are her love, I died.
  • When Finnick speaks about  his life as a Capitol male prostitute – oh that poor sweet favourite of mine.
  • Haymitch, Finnick and Joanna’s small spots in the film were so welcome and familiar
  • And did anybody see the people of Joanna’s District [7] go into the woods for their daily work? That sh*t escalated quickly. Those guys can sure climb a damn tree – also, 80% of them are hot lumber jack beard guys, wtf.
  • When Peeta gets rescued – by Gale who volunteered to be part of that suicide mission – and comes back only to try to effing kill Katniss!
  • And the storming of The Capitol’s reservoir by all those Districts people, sacrificing their lives – wow.
  • The haunting beauty that is the Hanging Tree song – Lorde be damned.

Needless to say, there were a lot of highlights for me watching this film and if there were any low lights I did not care for them because I was too busy being blown away by awesomeness and feels. Mockingjay Part I is well worth the watch and I cannot wait for the final instalment!

 

That Awkward Moment was a bit awkward for me irl

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That-Awkward-Moment-Movie-PostersThat awkward moment when the gag reel is better than the actual movie. Also, that awkward moment when the only reason you continue watching a movie is because you genuinely like the actors but from other movies they’ve done, so like a proud buddy you show support even though you’re thinking, ‘I guess I’m only here for the six packs  and the trapz then’. I guess, truthfully, my enthusiasm before watching the movie was normal. Zac Efron made me laugh in 17 Again, so I trusted that he had it in him to make me laugh again. Michael B. Jordan stole my heart as Steve in Chronicle and I was literally heartbroken by what happened to his character. I cried. And then there’s Miles Teller, just looking at his face makes me wanna crack up, there’s just something about the way he looks and talks that just makes me never wanna take him seriously. Like Seth Rogen. And then this strange movie happened. *side eye*

I get it, boys have weird dating experiences too, and I appreciate the whole concept of the dude as the reluctant love interest at first, because it’s an unfortunate truth and bad habit among some of them. It’s really great that they’re making bromantic comedies now. Yeah, I just said that. Because I enjoy using bro as a prefix a lot and, in the words of Jessa Johansson, I don’t like women telling other women what to do, or how to do it or when to do it. Phew. Okay. So the movie follows three bros who’ve taken a vow to stay single because one of their bros just got jilted. Seems like your regular run-of-the-mill ‘recipe for disaster’ plot, right? Sure. But the execution, my word… Ugh. It just pains me when something claims to be comedy and then kinda fails to make me, and the group of people I invited to watch, laugh. It’s like group effort confirmation that oh, I guess this is ‘hehe’ funny and not ‘hahaha’ funny, it should have said so on the label.

My first problem was the obsession with Daniel’s (Miles’ character) bowels. I know it was supposed to be funny and I was supposed to laugh but, just no. I like Imogen Poots, I don’t know why but I do, but also she freaks me out with her eyes and her hair and she kind of dwarfs Zac because he’s shortish. However, I’m glad there were some lines she delivered that made me huff laugh. Like the scene where she sees him after he made a dash for it and never called after they did the lay-down-move-around.

Jason: I thought you were a hooker.
Ellie: What?
Jason: A hooker.
Ellie: Why?
Jason: There were hooker signs.
Ellie: What’s a hooker sign?
Jason: You had on hooker boots.
Ellie: Lots of people have them.
Jason: There were tons of condoms.
Ellie: Did you ever think they might be there because I’m not having a ton of sex?
Jason: No! I thought they were a hooker sign!
Ellie: What’s a hooker sign?
Jason: What about The Story of O?
Ellie: That was research for a book.
Jason: There were envelopes full of cash.
Ellie: I pay my landlord in cash so that he can commit tax fraud. How long have you lived in New York?
Jason: Man, not long enough.
Ellie: Yeah.
Jason: Wait. Can I make it up to you? Let me make it up to you.
Ellie: You wanna make it up to me?
Jason: Can I?
Ellie: I don’t know. You can have my number… And…

And then she gives him a note with her number on it. Jk. It had ‘Go F*&k yourself’ written on it. 🙂 She owned that scene for me.

I felt like Miles Teller carried most of the ‘funny’ banter. Like he was the only reason I found some of the dialogue amusing, with his bros, with that really tall cute fwb of his we all knew he was gonna end up with. I can honestly say he managed to remain the funny boy he is. But he got majorly dampened by this movie. Fingers on the bible, I LOLed once. Throughout the whole movie. And it was courtesy of Miles Teller’s mini rant before a girl turns up to the man cave unannounced.

“She’s not going to talk about Xbox. I’m going to be sitting here thinking like, ‘oh I have to fart but maybe I can’t right now.’ She better have some hot friends. Open the door. I don’t care. I’m getting wasted.”

Everything else was awkward and a bit uncomfortable. Zac’s ‘Rock out with your C&*k out’ outfit at a fancy dress party? Awkward and uncomfortable. How did that communication breakdown happen and which dad would ‘like’ that? Michael B’s whole relationship ups and downs… utterly uncomfortable. And it’s a hard pass from me on that weird masturbating scene. And lastly, the Christmas party scene. Unbearable to watch. I was 2 seconds away from skipping that part. If it counts for anything, they managed the awkward part really well but it was definitely not that kind of awkward I wanna be watching. I’d rather watch the gag reel below a thousand times. Because it’s better than the movie.

XOXO

Dear White People

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So I posted the teaser trailer for this film some months ago on my Facebook and when the full length came out, I might as well have lost all of my shit. I did. I lost all of the shit I possess while sitting at my desk at work. It got a lot of likes from all my rainbow nation friends – well, we South Africans have a sense of humour and anything racial often hits home with us. Those critic quotey things refer to it as some sort of awesome satire of Obama Age American kids and I agree with the awesome part. While I’m not ‘Obama Age’ – mainly because I’m not American – I can totally relate to the whole stuck in two worlds vibe of the main character here and most probably, so do most of my peers. While we attend these good schools and predominantly white unis, there is a lot of weird stuff we’re exposed to as black girls. Some funny  and some downright ignorant. And I feel this dramedy just wraps it all up in a cool blanket of unpretentious honesty. So here goes… See the trailer, have a laugh and get educated 😉

xoxo


Game of Thrones has a Hair Issue

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Game of Thrones has a Hair Issue and it totally should not be the case. I’m sure you’re wondering ‘Wtf is she going on about? All the hair situations in GoT seem completely legit for an epic fantasy’. Yes, the higher people of our beloved series go through a lot to bring us some life-like and realistic depictions of Westeros and it’s people but… the hair. A simple thing that makes me cringe every time I watch the show. See, I’ve read (like half of) the books and even a person who hasn’t read A Song of Ice and Fire and has been simply listening whenever anybody talks of that dreadful book with all the lineages of Westerosi highborns, will see the laziness of the make-up and hair folks when it comes to this. Now I get that some things cannot be made to be exactly like in the books because you can’t make people taller or give them square jaws or make them the most handsome guy/girl in the land. It can’t all be perfect but the hair? The hair guys? It’s just dye and/or extensions!

Also, there might be spoilers here, just from the general show and stuff. You’re a loser for not watching.

Ned Stark, before he got his head chopped off, was pretty obsessed with the hair of the Baratheons. His obsession led to a lot of deaths, namely his and like a lot of dark haired boys – so it’s pretty hard to forget that the Baratheon seed is super strong. They have black, not dark, but specifically black hair and blue eyes.

Uhm…

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Huh?

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They didn’t even bother to give them blue contact lenses. Tisk tisk. Sloppy.

The Lannisters are supposed to have this amazing golden hair situation – they describe them as fair-haired to be exact. Now, I’ve seen people who call themselves fair-haired and I’ve seen enough stock images and nordic models to know what the hell that hair is supposed to look like. So here are the highest of the highest Lannisters and only their sister has this weird ass hair colour. Funny thing is, they all had this light blonde hair in the first season for the first few episodes and I understand that the brothers fell on hard times while their sister remained unmoved but they came back home, why is their hair still dusty?

Apparently, Tyrion’s golden hair is one of his only redeeming ‘Lannister’ qualities – that and paying his debts. Why would anyone take that away from him? Now I look at him and I’m like Fair-haired or Ginger?

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Also, really Jaime?

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What happened to this guy?

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Unnecessary.

And you House Stark… Whats is so hard about dark brown hair and grey eyes? What’s so difficult in sticking to the script and giving Catelyn’s other four kids auburn hair?!

Part of the reason Catelyn Stark (nee Tully) hates Jon the bastard boy is because none of her children took any of the Stark physical features (well, except Arya). The rest just turned out looking like Tullys and here comes Jon looking like the only legit son of Ned, and that ticked Cat right off. But you can’t see that in the damn show! They keep on changing Robb’s hair between dark brown and chestnut and sometimes the correct auburn colour, and they don’t even bother with Bran and Rickon. Guys, auburn hair

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Also, why the hell do these Stark men have pitch black hair? Why on earth did the GoT guys spinarooney the Starks and the Baratheons?! It’s so bloody confused!

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Kudos on the gorgeous grim Stark faces but this hair is supposed to be brown! 😦

It’s unfair that they only concentrated on getting the Targaryens spot on – they even got Dany the violet contact lenses! Although I’m sure now that there are many more mistakes that could’ve been helped in my favourite show – these are the little ones that irritate me. And this is where I will end my post-Season-4-finale-trauma-fuelled rant. Goodbye and Valar Morghulis.


Film: Drinking Buddies

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Two weeks ago, I think, during a moment of soppy-ness I watched this film that I’d been really looking forward to seeing. Of course it’s probably weird to say I was going through a soppy phase but I watched a movie that isn’t strictly rom-com/soppy/happyending. This is because it wasn’t the kind of soppy-ness that’s self destructive and makes you feel super damp as a human, it’s the kind of down to earth, ‘I could still totally hit the bar in a healthy way right now’, self-aware kind of soppy. Sidenote: I used the word ‘soppy’ a lot in this paragraph and I’m sorry but I’m too lazy to search for something to replace it with from my brain archive.

Drinking Buddies is a very chilled watch – I didn’t necessarily feel anything while I was watching it and although I thought the characters were such cool people that I would definitely want to hang out and beer it up with, I didn’t really care for them much. And for me, that’s great. It’s realistic, you don’t have to fall in love with all the characters in the world and dote on them – it’s fine to just dig their vibe, full stop. When I saw the trailer for Drinking Buddies (admittedly, they had me at ‘Drinking Buddies’) I got the general feel of everything but they didn’t give away how everything was going to happen – trailers do that these days! So see the trailer – it doesn’t have spoilers like every other movie from 2010-2014.

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Olivia Wilde is a gem as this really laid back, guys’ girl who chugs beer and likes to play pool – but she is not a ‘plain Jane’. Screw that term, I hate it and I hate all the writers that create stupid plain Jane, damsel in distress characters! Nobody is a plain Jane. She is a confident and good looking girl with a boyfriend – and it is not a toxic relationship. Her work best friend, played by Jake Johnson, – yay, is like the dude version of her. But… they’re human. And there are work crushes and there’s work intimacy and lines are blurred. But not in the way one would expect – it’s nothing like the Friends With Benefits/No Strings Attached blurring of lines, all ‘Ooh, let’s have casual sex and assume there won’t be any consequences then get super freaked out and surprised when we fall for each other’. No. This is about two good friends, both in relationships with people they care about but have nothing in common with, it’s fun times.

Like most of the ‘misplaced girl’ movies I watch, I can relate to Olivia Wilde’s character – not in relation to her surroundings and relations with other characters, but as a stand alone individual. I love that she dates for fun and doesn’t think of weddings and offspring from the moment someone says ‘I like you’. I like that she’s an  outgoing person and loves to see other people happy (and drinking beer). I love that she does what she wants to do and does not apologise for who she is because she’s not hurting anyone by being her zany, awesome bromosexual self. It’s that kind of self love that isn’t obnoxious and imposing but super chilled and enigmatic that makes me appreciate a flawed female character even if I’m not really obsessed with her. And that’s one of the many reasons I loved this improvised Sundance-esque film. 🙂

Wilde with Jake Johnson in Drinking Buddies.