What does it actually mean to work your hardest? Not to just work hard but to work your hardest. What do phrases like ‘giving it your all’ and ‘working your arse off’ actually mean? I’ve heard people say these things a thousand times and I may have said them myself once or twice in my life. But honestly, I didn’t mean them. Because I have never worked that hard in my life. I’ve given anything from 50% (the bare minimum) to 100% (actually applying myself ), but 110%? Pouring my blood, sweat and tears into something? No, not really. Not in school or work or love or life in general. How do people even do that? Is there a course I can take? An app, maybe?
I’ve been reading a lot of online stuff lately, like Creative Nestlings – which makes you feel both in touch and out of touch with the Arts scene in the country, meh – and I’ve noticed how some people are really keen on improving and enhancing their craft. When it comes to my writing, specifically my novel writing, I turtle. I do dumb things like keeping manuscripts to myself and not trying to get published then complaining that my genius is going to waste before retreating into my 9-5. So goes my turtling. And I think the most messed up thing about it is that I only noticed this week that I may have chronic slacker disorder.
A lot of my friends have been achieving some pretty impressive things in the past few months. Wonderful things that I am so proud of them for. But this is always after they go into some sort of hibernation for a few months as well. It’s like they hide out to put their master plan into place and then they emerge months later having conquered their Everest. And I’m always just like, “Wait, wha – ? Wow.”
Why haven’t I ever been able to be super serious about something and work super hard? Why do I always cruise through stuff and get pretty good results instead of drowning myself in them and getting the best results? I don’t know, because comfort zones. My one friend once told me that I’m afraid of success. That may be it. When my first play was staged in Grade 11, I cried and shook and couldn’t watch. In uni, I always chose to take the easier way out than having to sit with perfecting a masterpiece, I always chose the easier story to write for the campus paper, or the easiest essay question in a Lit test. This has been my ailment. And that’s the perfect word for it. Being an unmotivated person is an illness that needs to be purged.
So maybe now that I’ve actually realised that I do have problem and that I do want to get rid of it, I’ll actually start trying harder and maybe get that ‘Always Give 110%’ App. Maybe I’ll disappear for a few months from social networks (not really) and come back with 500 published articles. Maybe i’ll just try.
P.S This was more of a personal rant-slash-affirmation situation, but if you’ve taken anything from it then good on ya!