We’ll always have Mozambique

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I should think that much is true, especially for South Africans and especially for me. I’ve longed for an Eat Pray Love vac for a bit now, for most of my adult life – although, let’s face it, I can’t take a year off of my life to travel exotic places yet. But finally some sort of opportunity presented itself and instead of spending three months in Italy, India and Bali respectively, I spent three days in Maputo, Inhambane/Tofo and Tofo again. Because I’m not a best selling novelist by the weird name of Liz and my journey isn’t played out by Julia Roberts in a cult chick motivational flick. I’m 25 and I have a day job. It’s just not practical. So three days is all I could afford okay?!

They say budget travel (I say cheap) isn’t for the faint hearted and boy is that true. So Friday night I hopped on an overnighter to Maputo and there were a couple of things I was nervous about. Mostly foreign border officials and travelling to another country alone. Those two were def at the top of my ‘To Worry About’ list, so much that I forgot that the distance to Maputo is a huge b-word on its own. Alright, cards on the table, I’m from the Eastern Cape so honestly that many hours on the road is hell on earth, but a hell I’m pretty used to. I just wanna complain like all the other kids. The border went as expected – but not as feared. I was just not emotionally and mentally prepared for the hours I spent inside that bus. Not prepared. How many pit stops do people need? And do we have to pit stop for so long? Why are Mozambican people so lax?

So fast forward to my arrival in Maputo. I stepped out, so glad for the fresh air and was overcome by this awesome feeling, everything felt so warm and colourful and in very beautiful ruin. Old colonial era buildings, street corner stores, cool alfresco cafes, music coming from all over… I was glad I came. The driver who was supposed to pick me up to take me to the Backpackers was behind on time but I got a lift with the most awesome local whose sister was coming from SA. This is when I first noticed that Mozambican dudes find me attractive. Win.
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Fatima’s Backpackers in Maputo is a paradise for hippies and easy going travellers. It’s bright and friendly and super chilled. I hung out with a couple of South Africans from Johannesburg, and we all huddled by the sockets to charge our phones and chat about weird South African stuff we were glad to be away from, like traffic and work and how we should all just run away to Moz to escape the suffocating racial issues back home. Later on I met a few very awesome ladies I quickly became friends with, Pat (SA), Eva(USA), Kholi(SA), Joni(CHI) and – later – Olga(GER). Fun fact: None of us knew how to speak Portuguese 🙂 I mean, I’d learnt a few phrases thanks to Duolingo but it was so much tougher because Mozambican Portuguese, like Brazilian, isn’t exactly the standardised form of the language. Between us we managed a few words though, like please, how much, thank you, no thank you, bye and water (which you have to buy a lot of). I also learnt ‘beautiful’ because the word got thrown my way quite a bit. I love foreign countries, because I get there and I’m exotic AF.

We walked around and had drinks by the ocean with a view you’d trade your nephews for. And had lunch at this cool outdoor restaurant called Pirates that has pizzas the size of a tractor wheel and the Moz beer 2M on tap. I also tried Laurentina but 2M caught my fancy. And, of course, we shopped around for stuff to take back home, from colourful fabrics to hand crafted jewellery and bags. At night I was supposed to go to some dancehall thing but I was too bushed so I stayed at the Backpackers and mildly flirted with the barkeep, then drank enough 2M’s to knock me out – right after I sprayed myself with enough Peaceful Sleep to poison a little well. Because, Malaria.

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The following morning, we took a 5am chapa to Inhambane>Tofo to Fatima’s Nest, which was 7 hours away. Again, the chill factor in Moz was startling, with all the pit stops and all the slow walking and the fact that Traffic cops will stop a chapa and check for a driver’s license but don’t mind that the vehicle is brutally overloaded. Is it because it’s so hot and nobody cares for these trivial things? Upside of the journey was all the clear blue ocean and quaint little tropical looking towns we saw on the way. But nothing could have prepared us for the tranquil majesticness that is Tofo beach.

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Tofo is magical. Blue beaches, white sand, surf and food. I loved everything about it. I loved my room and how the sea was a stone throw away from my door, just like the bar. I loved that my whole bathroom was a shower. I loved all the people, locals and travellers. It just felt like a super amazing dream, honestly. Although the Moz heat bordered on insane I was not mad at what that sea breeze and humidity was doing to my skin. I have dreadlocks so I don’t have the hair frizzing over problem either. Haha. On arrival, Joni immediately went for a swim in the ocean – it was early evening so the conditions were perfect. I ordered a monster size 2M and hung out on the deck, just lying in the sun and looking out into the sea. Side note: There were so many good looking people there, I literally could not move. Later on we ordered a light dinner (think I got some sort of gourmet sandwich) and dined by the bar, I got quite a few surprise phone numbers from some dudes and I’m sure whatever they were saying in Portuguese was super charming but I had no idea what it was, I was just shocked that people still write their numbers on coasters and serviettes and give them to strangers. After dinner we lazed around on the bean bags and finally got around to answering texts and other social medias. There was also this family of three, a dad and his kids who are about my age who brought their laptop out to the general sitting area and we all watched The Grand Budapest Hotel at midnight, tipsy on TipoTinto.

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Breakfast was a lot of ice cream and pancakes and a crap load of Catemba. Joni and I visited the busy market and it was beautiful but it was too hot to stay long. I bought a pipe and home made island style juice in a coconut and went home, but Joni the Explorer went to Inhambane for the day. Then I met two older guys from Cape Town, Albie and Sean and we had a good chat on the deck while buying shell jewellery from the local kids and musing about the paradise we were all in, and I remember thinking, gosh I wanna be this cool when I’m 40/50. They had anklets and they surfed and ate watermelons & nuts, and their tans were out of this world. There is a really cool strip of restaurants, central to everything where I grabbed lunch with Albie and I just listened to him talk about his adventures. The rest of the girls arrived not too long after that and the fun truly began. It was nice to be just a bunch of girls from all over the world, enjoying ourselves on holiday. We swam in the sea at sunset and took pictures and laughed (because giggle juice – and I’m pretty sure I almost got lost at sea because of that night tide). By nighttime, the Backpackers was alive with music and chatter and a large group of us joined tables and just had a great big tipsy chat. The night was not over for Eva and and we found ourselves grabbing dinner with a group of like five gorgeous British okes intensely talking about Egyptian current affairs and politics, at one of those eateries on the strip. Then we all went dancing until sunrise. Which I dreaded because I had to rush back to SA that morning to spend Christmas with my family in East London. But three days was all I needed to fall helplessly in love with that place.

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We’ll always have Mozambique. I think I still have sand in my hair.

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Mockingjay happened and I fell back in love with Jennifer Lawrence

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Well, actually I think love is a strong word. I just stopped hating her and I actually appreciated that she’s a beautifully convincing actress once more. My mind blowing experience with Mockingjay was mainly because of the movie’s all round effect on me, the parts that gave me goosebumps were mainly the parts with the actual revolution and not the little personal wars within.

Let me start here, I watched Horrible Bosses just before I went on to watch Mockingjay because, given everything that’s happening in the world right now, I didn’t want to be too grim and angry when I went in. I needed a palate cleanser and Horrible Bosses was a good one. I didn’t go in there expecting anything because, sequels. But then I saw Chris Pine as a rich douche whose dad is Christoph Waltz, who is also a rich douche and I was sold. Maybe it was because it’s a really cool and really funny film (it is) or maybe it was because I hadn’t gone to the movies in months but I was one of those people who LOL in the cinema house. I didn’t feel bad about it, I have a great laugh. Also, Chris Pine’s eyes are surely what the eyes of an angel look like right? Jason Bateman stole my heart as usual – he is comedy gold with that ‘serious/reasonable funnyman’ style of his. When the team get together to handle a super unlikely (at first) horrible boss and meet an even more unlikely (at first) ally – with appearances from previous movie faves like Motherfucker Jones, Dr McSlutty Aniston and the douchiest of them all – Kevin Spacey (dunno the characters name) I left the cinema satisfied and in stitches. Then my life got ruined… (Spoilers, duh.)

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I had about 10 minutes to run and go reload my popcorn and slushie arsenal before the next movie I was to watch, so I had about 5 minutes to adjust my mindset and put it in ‘teenagers in peril’ mode. I was looking forward to seeing how they’d pick up from the abrupt craziness that was Catching Fire’s ending. And although things felt a little bit slow at the beginning (somehow this always happens to me when watching Hunger Games films) it picked up pretty bloody well. Boy, did it pick up! I’ve honestly, throughout the franchise, felt like a citizen of Panem, like I lived in the Districts. In that regard, the movies have definitely made me connect with the general people and struggles of all those people. Nobody knows ruin and picking up the pieces of the past like South Africans. Seeing District 12 and all the other districts actually in complete shambles and the riots… that really just made the films a bit more meaningful to me and truly those Games weren’t just about kids dying – which is so horrible as it is – they were about good ‘ol fashioned oppression. And we finally got to see that clearly. I finally got to feel it clearly and fully.

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Phew. Now that that dark rant is out of the way, let’s talk fave parts of the movie. Did anybody else feel like Gale was loitering about for like the first 45 minutes of the movie. Like all he did was follow Katniss around in silence – he had like five lines that whole time. It was bordering on creepy, like a creepy ex boyfriend you’re forced to hang out with cos you’re in the same friendship circles. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Hemsworth screen presence but as hot as he is (and he’s VERY hot, getting hotter I think even) I felt really awkward for him tbh. For a long time i felt ‘This guy’s role is useless here’, but then they went back to District 12 and it was Gale’s moment. I didn’t expect to see another kissing scene between Gale and Katniss but there it was and it was sweet as usual (who doesn’t wanna see two good looking people tonsil hockey, aimiright?) And it seems Katniss didn’t expect it either. But Gale did. “I knew you’d kiss me… [Katniss: How? I didn’t.] Because I’m in pain – that’s the only way I get your attention. Don’t worry, Katniss, it’ll pass,” he says all croaky voiced and teary-eyed. And then like nothing happened he went on to talk about how he helped save the people of District 12 and all the mayhem and there was strength and sureness and I was like ‘I get it, I get you, Gale. You’re useful’.

And the of course there were many more moments where I cheered and got emotional and everything was so intense and hard to take in – mostly my body reacted to all of it though severe goosebumps and a large lump in my throat (I cried once).

A round-up of my Goosebump moments: 

  • When Katniss and her team (count meeting the team in this as well, especially Maegory from Game of Thrones) visit a dilapidated hospital in District 8 where many are injured and even more are dead. The Capitol attacks (obvi) and Katniss retaliates and we get to see the return of the beloved bow and arrow! 🙂

“If we burn, you burn with us!” OMFG.

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  • When Katniss and Gale kiss and he frees himself from the chains of indifference that are her love, I died.
  • When Finnick speaks about  his life as a Capitol male prostitute – oh that poor sweet favourite of mine.
  • Haymitch, Finnick and Joanna’s small spots in the film were so welcome and familiar
  • And did anybody see the people of Joanna’s District [7] go into the woods for their daily work? That sh*t escalated quickly. Those guys can sure climb a damn tree – also, 80% of them are hot lumber jack beard guys, wtf.
  • When Peeta gets rescued – by Gale who volunteered to be part of that suicide mission – and comes back only to try to effing kill Katniss!
  • And the storming of The Capitol’s reservoir by all those Districts people, sacrificing their lives – wow.
  • The haunting beauty that is the Hanging Tree song – Lorde be damned.

Needless to say, there were a lot of highlights for me watching this film and if there were any low lights I did not care for them because I was too busy being blown away by awesomeness and feels. Mockingjay Part I is well worth the watch and I cannot wait for the final instalment!

 

That Awkward Moment was a bit awkward for me irl

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That-Awkward-Moment-Movie-PostersThat awkward moment when the gag reel is better than the actual movie. Also, that awkward moment when the only reason you continue watching a movie is because you genuinely like the actors but from other movies they’ve done, so like a proud buddy you show support even though you’re thinking, ‘I guess I’m only here for the six packs  and the trapz then’. I guess, truthfully, my enthusiasm before watching the movie was normal. Zac Efron made me laugh in 17 Again, so I trusted that he had it in him to make me laugh again. Michael B. Jordan stole my heart as Steve in Chronicle and I was literally heartbroken by what happened to his character. I cried. And then there’s Miles Teller, just looking at his face makes me wanna crack up, there’s just something about the way he looks and talks that just makes me never wanna take him seriously. Like Seth Rogen. And then this strange movie happened. *side eye*

I get it, boys have weird dating experiences too, and I appreciate the whole concept of the dude as the reluctant love interest at first, because it’s an unfortunate truth and bad habit among some of them. It’s really great that they’re making bromantic comedies now. Yeah, I just said that. Because I enjoy using bro as a prefix a lot and, in the words of Jessa Johansson, I don’t like women telling other women what to do, or how to do it or when to do it. Phew. Okay. So the movie follows three bros who’ve taken a vow to stay single because one of their bros just got jilted. Seems like your regular run-of-the-mill ‘recipe for disaster’ plot, right? Sure. But the execution, my word… Ugh. It just pains me when something claims to be comedy and then kinda fails to make me, and the group of people I invited to watch, laugh. It’s like group effort confirmation that oh, I guess this is ‘hehe’ funny and not ‘hahaha’ funny, it should have said so on the label.

My first problem was the obsession with Daniel’s (Miles’ character) bowels. I know it was supposed to be funny and I was supposed to laugh but, just no. I like Imogen Poots, I don’t know why but I do, but also she freaks me out with her eyes and her hair and she kind of dwarfs Zac because he’s shortish. However, I’m glad there were some lines she delivered that made me huff laugh. Like the scene where she sees him after he made a dash for it and never called after they did the lay-down-move-around.

Jason: I thought you were a hooker.
Ellie: What?
Jason: A hooker.
Ellie: Why?
Jason: There were hooker signs.
Ellie: What’s a hooker sign?
Jason: You had on hooker boots.
Ellie: Lots of people have them.
Jason: There were tons of condoms.
Ellie: Did you ever think they might be there because I’m not having a ton of sex?
Jason: No! I thought they were a hooker sign!
Ellie: What’s a hooker sign?
Jason: What about The Story of O?
Ellie: That was research for a book.
Jason: There were envelopes full of cash.
Ellie: I pay my landlord in cash so that he can commit tax fraud. How long have you lived in New York?
Jason: Man, not long enough.
Ellie: Yeah.
Jason: Wait. Can I make it up to you? Let me make it up to you.
Ellie: You wanna make it up to me?
Jason: Can I?
Ellie: I don’t know. You can have my number… And…

And then she gives him a note with her number on it. Jk. It had ‘Go F*&k yourself’ written on it. 🙂 She owned that scene for me.

I felt like Miles Teller carried most of the ‘funny’ banter. Like he was the only reason I found some of the dialogue amusing, with his bros, with that really tall cute fwb of his we all knew he was gonna end up with. I can honestly say he managed to remain the funny boy he is. But he got majorly dampened by this movie. Fingers on the bible, I LOLed once. Throughout the whole movie. And it was courtesy of Miles Teller’s mini rant before a girl turns up to the man cave unannounced.

“She’s not going to talk about Xbox. I’m going to be sitting here thinking like, ‘oh I have to fart but maybe I can’t right now.’ She better have some hot friends. Open the door. I don’t care. I’m getting wasted.”

Everything else was awkward and a bit uncomfortable. Zac’s ‘Rock out with your C&*k out’ outfit at a fancy dress party? Awkward and uncomfortable. How did that communication breakdown happen and which dad would ‘like’ that? Michael B’s whole relationship ups and downs… utterly uncomfortable. And it’s a hard pass from me on that weird masturbating scene. And lastly, the Christmas party scene. Unbearable to watch. I was 2 seconds away from skipping that part. If it counts for anything, they managed the awkward part really well but it was definitely not that kind of awkward I wanna be watching. I’d rather watch the gag reel below a thousand times. Because it’s better than the movie.

XOXO

Fellow citizens of Passive Aggressiva…

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side-eyepassive-aggressive

adjective
of or denoting a type of behaviour or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation.

A defense mechanism that allows people who aren’t comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.

Google AND Urban Dictionary, suhn!

Disclaimer: This is a Passive Aggressive post.

I am a passive aggressive person too, hence my post title but I don’t over-do it, I overdo a lot of things, like cyber stalking and eating junk food so I’m not afraid to admit when something is a bad habit. Actually I’m more aggressive-aggressive than passive aggressive, but I digress. A lot of people have made a bad habit of being passive-aggressive. Motivational quotes are cool, complaining about awful people is okay, being thankful for your fortune is excellent. But posting about it everyday in this annoying, self righteous, sub-texty way? Brakes on that one.

People that have ‘moved on’ with their lives. Uhm… Okay… Yeah, we see that through all the pictures you’re posting of your new life. Newsflash: Everybody has a new life because we’re all adults now. While I have no doubt that you meet some people for a season or a reason or whatever that bumper sticker smut is, I’m not sure about those guys that overstate how happy they are about this ‘moving on’ obsession.

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Yeah, we’re all glad you’ve moved on, tbh but why are you so vigorously informing everyone of this? Who is it directed to? Surely your new life acquaintances don’t need to know about this horrid past life of yours and your old life acquaintances don’t care about your feels – which is why you chucked them in the first place. Keep your personal ghost affirmations on your bedroom walls please, you’re not doing yourself any favours by taking on the Carly Simons ‘You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you’ high road. You’re making everyone feel weird for you. Stop.

Another thing, sub-tweet crazy Religiosos. Wow, my religious friends can be PA and always with a big PA smile. It’s like, dude, if you’re gonna judge me, please judge me to my face like a man. Like posting these little ‘motivational messages’ that are just filled with judgment and ‘You should probably be living your life like me, though’ undertones honestly sends me chuckling. I saw this one post from one of my PA friends:

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And I was like, no way, you’re having a laugh mate. You mean, for all the beautiful enlightenment religion brings you don’t see the prejudice and sexism in this creepy ass, prudish image? Now, I’m sure ‘soul ties’ are a thing. In fact I believe they are but this agenda-pushing doll photo is not what they’re about. Respect our intellect. Also, I know it’s not a coincidence that you’re posting this on Sunday/Monday just after most of your timeline has posted a flurry of photos of groove and good times involving alcohol and opposite sex canoodling. Shame on you.

Hater-surrounded, Humble braggers, please give us a break! Have you ever noticed how most humble braggers tend to be the same people who have haters? Having haters is the most passive aggressive thing that has ever happened, really. Who are these people that dedicate their lives to raising their noses at your achievements, bruh? And why do you feel the need to always tell them how lucky you are and how eternally honored you are? Name these people and leave us out of it! (Also, name these people because I love to see a good fight :P). Stuff like, ‘I have so much love for my haters’ and ‘Money walks, haters talk’ (which doesn’t even make sense) confuse the crap outta me. Like whoever came up with this and obviously the other people that post it religiously:

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Really? You think a whole human is that jealous of you? This can’t be a stranger, obvi so why don’t you just tell this person to stop ‘hating’, whatever that means, and stop humble bragging about how supposedly awesome you are and hinting about how envy-worthy your life is and how much your success has brought you haters. Euw.

There are a lot of situations and ways in which we use social media to hide and throw stones from the high towers of our macs and being passive-aggressive is one of them. Do it, becuase it’s human and inevitible. Don’t overdo it, nobody cares, you’re being annoying and petty. Shut up and eat your salad.

And with that, my rant ends. 🙂

Side not: We’re all guilty of this, guys. It’s chilled. But not really 😉

XOXO

10 Famous Poems Recited by Famous Actors

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Tom Hiddleston reads Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare
Zoe is dead because Tom Hiddleston read Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare

Thing is, I’m not a huge fan of poetry. Now wait, before you kill me, I don’t hate poetry at all. I even love it every now and again, but I wouldn’t say I go out of my way to buy anthologies and go to live sessions and such. The only poetry books I have are from uni – I’m looking at you Norton. If I stumble upon it and I like it, that’s good enough for me (much like Art, actually). But there are times when I honestly sit and see a quote or an excerpt and think, ‘Damn, that could only be put in poetry form – poetry is the reason this is as intense as it is’. And that’s a lot coming from a prose lover like myself but I’m okay with saying it and I appreciate it deeply because it’s true for me, personally.

This video makes me very warm and fuzzy inside because 1. It reminded me of all the Classics I hold dear and 2. I love actors that do this kind of thing – makes them seem so refined but human. Oh, and 3, Tom Hiddleston.

So have fun!


Actors who have leant their voices to poetry that is, sometimes, even more famous than they are… Here are the favourites via Book Riot. 
XOXO

Drake vs Blake – The ESPYS Awards 2014

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Cards on the table, before I saw this I did not know what on earth the ESPYS Awards were and that they even existed. I have valid reasons; 1, I’m South African 2, It’s American athletics stuff which is mostly like basketball and ‘football’ or tennis or whatevs and 3, American athletes? Basketball? ‘Football’? Come on, I’m South African. Don’t be butthurt about that list, I obviously mean I’m not familiar and have no desire to be familiar with any of that stuff – but I do love American Award shows – see Oscars.

So I was going through my Tumblr at work out of boredom, as one does, and I saw the tags #drake #blake #chris brown and I was like ‘YASS! Celeb dude gossip!’ (Don’t you dare judge me – we all do it). True to form, I watched the video and I did not find a weird Rihanna-inspired feud, I found a skit and it was funny as hell. And… I found the new object of my famous people obsession and cyber stalking, Mr Blake Griffin. Holy Canolly! Yes there’s something to be said here about my obsession with giant biracial boys (Ahem, Kris Humphries) – or any biracial boys, actually – but that’s a story for another day. Drake is pretty good here and I actually never knew he could act or be funny and Blake can do no wrong, because 2.08 metres of muscle and awesomeness. Chris Brown was a gorg surprise and I’m glad he and Drake can now come together and do something like this because peace rules and humour conquers all.

You only have to watch until the 5th minute but you can continue if you want to watch a lot of Drake being Drake.

XOXO


Happy Women’s Day. Happy Women’s Month. Happy Women’s Life.

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The 9th of August commemorates Women’s Day in South Africa and I feel a pretty strong attachment to this day of ultimate female unity. Andiswa Machanyana of The South African Bloggers took the words right out of my mouth…

“It’s been 58 years since  some 20,000 women marched to the Union Buildings in the City of Pretoria to protest  – rising up against the legislation that required black South Africans to carry the “pass” (special identification documents which infringed on their freedom of movement during the Apartheid era), approximately 20 000 women from all over the country took to the streets of Pretoria – many carrying the children of their white bosses on their backs – to stage a peaceful march to the Union Buildings led by the likes of Lilian Ngoyi, Helen Joseph, Albertina Sisulu and Sophia Williams-De Bruyn amongst others. After dropping off bundles of petitions containing more than 100 000 signatures at Prime Minister J.G Strijdom’s offices, they stood in silence for thirty minutes. A song was composed in honour of this momentous occasion, “Wathint’ Abafazi Wathint’ imbokodo!” (Now you have touched the women, you have struck a rock).Two years prior to this protest though the women’s charter was adopted:”

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You are Woman Enough

And in honour of this day and month and the rights that were fought for and how far we have come but not far enough, my colleague and friend Ilana sent me this amazing clip of Muslim spoken word poet Madiha Bhatti on the continued objectification of women.

[Source: Groundswell]

AND IN ENDING…

“Our department of Art & Cultured  puts yet more emphasis on looks as we celebrate this year’s women month  with a theme such as  “Wear a doek Campaign” Shrieks. Is there more to the doek Campaign than the looks? We sure won’t be needing much men’s help as we put on those doeks. Will we ever get to a point where we as women are seen as more than just the faces? I am almost certain we have much more to contribute in furthering this countries of ours and that cannot be attributed to looks alone can it? My mind is battling to see how such a theme is going to shift the thinking, creativity is good but substance goes a long way.

Where I come from, women spend their lives trying to get rid of the doek!

– Andiswa Machanyana

Wathint’ Abafazi Wathint’ imbokodo.

I hope everyone had a lovely day appreciating and reflecting on what it means. What it means to be a woman, what women mean to you and what women are through and through.